Saturday, July 30, 2011

our angel

I've always used this blog to let everyone know what's going on in our lives. It gives me an opportunity to put everything in my life into words. I don't share every aspect of our lives on here but definitely a good portion. Blogging is therapy for me. It's an outlet. So I'm going to use my blog as therapy right now and I'm going to be honest. This post is very detailed and could be too much information but I need to get it all out.

I was beyond excited and shocked when I found out I was pregnant. Such a miracle to get pregnant so fast. But in the back of mind, I knew this couldn't be a healthy pregnancy. I had Julianna, got Mirena, and never had a period. My body wasn't completely ready to support a pregnancy yet. There was no danger in trying and some pregnancies do thrive directly after Mirena.

I hesitated in telling anyone about the pregnancy. I told Josh and of course, he was excited. So he started sharing the news with many people. Josh's mom and sister-in-laws found out from me because of my shock when I found that test in my purse on our trip. Since so many people already knew, I announced the pregnancy here and on Facebook Monday evening since I had a positive blood test on Monday afternoon.

But this is what I didn't share. More information leading to my thoughts in the back of my head being right on. I also had a test Monday to check my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone). A normal pregnancy's hcg levels double about every 48 hours. My levels on Monday were in the upper 300s. The OB wanted me to come back on Wednesday to make sure my levels were increasing. When I got the call on Thursday with my results, I knew what was happening. The nurse said my level had decreased to 318. I knew at that moment I was having a miscarriage. She said if I had any bleeding or abdominal pain to call right away because I would need to be checked out. I only shared this information with Josh. I honestly did have some hope but that nagging feeling that something was really wrong just wouldn't go away.

Sure enough, around 8pm, I started having abdominal pain. Around 9pm, I started bleeding a little. I called the after hours nurse, told her what was going on and about my hcg levels. She gave me some instructions and told me to follow up with my OB in the am. So I got a shower and returned to my phone to find 2 missed calls and one voicemail from that same nurse. She called as I was listening to the voicemail and told me to go ahead and go to the ER. She wanted me to get checked out since I hadn't had any internal exams yet. Josh's mom came to stay with Julianna and we headed to Greensboro.

We arrived around 11pm. I had blood work to check my hcg and to confirm my blood type. I also had an internal exam. I was there until about 2am. All I found out from the visit was that my hcg levels had dropped again, within 24 hours to 232. The doctor in the ER said I needed to meet with my OB first thing in the morning. I just don't think she wanted to be the one to tell me what I already knew. She gave me some paperwork that mentioned the word "miscarriage" but she never once said that word. On the paperwork, it said miscarriage most likely in progress. Seeing those words on paper was hard. Even though I had such a strong feeling about what was happening, I didn't want to see it written down.

We got home around 3am and I got some sleep. I was exhausted. I woke up around 8am in pain. Headache, backache, cramping, much more bleeding. I called my OB office right way, got an appointment, got dressed, and headed to Greensboro. Josh met me at the office. We waited in the exam room for what seemed like forever but more like 20 minutes. She did an internal exam which lasted all of 10 seconds and then sat me up to talk. Now time for answers. I didn't want to hear what she was going to say. Could we just leave and not hear this? No, we had to stay. We needed the information.

She confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. She doesn't think it's a complicated miscarriage, just normal. I will have to return once a week to make sure my hcg levels are going all the way down so they can be sure I'm not having a tubal pregnancy. She gave us instructions for the next few days and months with what we could do next.

We left and got lunch. We sat at lunch trying to figure out how to tell everyone. We had to announce it so that everyone would know that we weren't pregnant anymore. I couldn't hide this. So I posted a simple quote on Facebook: An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth". We let our family know prior to the Facebook update.

We headed home and all I could do was cry while I was driving. My phone was going off like crazy but I couldn't look at it. I was in so much pain. Physically I was hurting but nothing compared to the emotional pain. I wasn't very far along but that was my baby. Our baby. That was supposed to be Julianna's little brother or sister. Why did this have to happen? So many emotions running through me. I haven't cried tears like that in so long. I've never felt this kind of emotional pain. My heart breaks for anyone else who has experienced this kind of pain. 

But our little one will live on as our guardian angel. I know there's a reason and a plan for this happening. Something good will come and a lesson will be learned. There will be a positive outcome. It's so hard to see right now. All I feel is sorrow and pain right now but I know I will come out of this stronger. Seeing my sweet Julianna's face is a great reminder of God's love. 

If I don't return your call, please don't be offended. I'm having a hard time talking about my feelings out loud right now besides to Josh. I just want to be home with my baby and Josh right now. Please keep me in your prayers, for my physical pain to go away fast and to help me cope with the emotional pain. Thank you all so much for all of your support, love, and prayers.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Emily I'm so sorry. I think that your reaction is perfectly understandable. Take your time. xo